HIS FIRST ONE

They were both in bed. Together, after a long time! Entangled under the crumpled sheet…

She set it right, “How many have you had on this?” It was a valid question. He didn’t mind it.

“None”, he honestly replied not forgetting to underline it with, “since you went”. She knew he would do that.

He had to pause before he could ask, “You?” A momentary silence… not that she was under the obligation of pausing like him. Yet she paused.

“Its difficult.” That astounded him. He had always known her to be the ‘black and white’ kinds – one who always thought from the periphery. This ‘grey’ answer was unexpected. It sounded deep and invoked a meaning. It was a welcome change, though it came late. The right time was already gone and the change was irreversible.

They hadn’t moved yet. She broke the embrace. “A couple of them”, she muttered turning her face away.

He didn’t know how to react. She didn’t care. And now he was searching for a question to get back. He had found it. Perhaps he was just looking for the courage to ask it. He mustered some after a few empty moments,

“Was he one of them?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t remember.”

“What does that mean?”

“They were all the same, like you. I always felt I was with you. There was no other way I could feel satisfied.”

“Like me?” He got out of the sheet and walked away.

She cried the entire night. When he woke up in the living room in the morning and came into the bedroom, she was still sleeping. He went under the sheet again and took her in. He pressed his cheek against her chest. That soothed him – like always, whenever he was with her.

That woke her up. She looked down at him, caressed him, ran her fingers through his hair and let out a lazed murmur. He was taken aback. The voice was not her. He looked up at the face. The face was not her. It took him some time to realise it was not her.

That was his first one. After she had gone!

LIFE OF DEATH

Death lives on
In those living,
Like a loss
Breathing forever

Like a pit
Living to tell the tale
Of the mud that was,
Like a black hole
That doesnt exist
And proves it is.

Its the negation
Of everything that is,
And yet it is!
Its the loss
Of that that was,
Thus it gains!

Its gone now -
the moment that was.
The presence of now
Reminds me of the absence of
the moment that was.
Death thus lives on
And I continue to die
Every moment of
the moment that is.

I remember
as I die now,
When I died last
I lived on forever
with the memory of that, which
I remember now.

While I live now
remembering memories
memorising remebrances,
to remember when I live,
I wait to die.

A MAN GOT TO DO WHAT A MAN GOT TO DO

For the record, since I have started earning I remain usually broke.
It is a mixed feeling. At one time, I feel sad at the loss of this
essential potential - money. At another, I feel happy that it gives me
an opportunity to perform better and march ahead.

I left my job three months ago and hence my life to the hands of
destiny. I was quite confident – about myself, about my potential. I
am still too. Today, I freelance. I have to really work to direct some
part of the world's treasure into a virtual space created by the bank
under my name as against when I was employed. The world feels happy
when it happens to them. I am compelled to follow them, at least in
this case.

This story starts three minutes ago. Three minutes ago, my entire
saving amounted to fifteen hundred rupees. And I am just 25, not
suffering by any fatal disease and not showing any signs of depression
so as to go and hang myself in the next week or so. (Yeah! I could
survive with that money for that long in this city.) But the pressures
are different. Three minutes ago, I was cursing myself for being a
procrastinator. A hundred ideas have been running into my head since
the past week and I needed time to sit down and write all about
everything I could. But I am such a wasted guy, I only passed my time
looking at other people's works and sneaking for subtle details which
I could invariably get inspired by and try to accommodate in mine – if
I work, that means! I woke up quite late in the morning, spent hours
after that in bed going through the lives of multi-millionaires and
admiring some of them for the kind of commitment they show toward
their work and the rest of it I spent sneaking. Thoughts about my bank
balance kept popping at intervals but I was successful at beating them
with the sharp oars made of a very old thing in the world called hope
while I was sailing on the waters of reality in a boat made of the
older things in the world called talent that had a hole in it. What I
did not realise then was that my boat did not have the windscreen of
hard-work and hence missed direction. But I decided to plod on until
the end came and hence kept rowing throughout the day.

Through all this, I was still cool. An odd job done six months ago
still hadn't paid me and I was promised two days back that today would
be my payday. One hour ago, I gave up sneaking and got up. I took a
bath, put on the better clothes I had and mounted my bike. On my way,
I cursed myself once for not having done what I was really meant to
and wasting all that time in the day. As I reached the office, my
heart was pounding. I must have made one lakh calls for this payment
of mine that amounted to some thousands. I had mixed feelings. Guilt
accompanied with excitement and hope is really mixed. I went in. I was
made to sit. I sat. I waited. I was then called in. At this point, I
missed a step out of anxiety. The mixture was really going deeper. The
accounts guy again made me sit for a while and this time he went out.
A few moments later, he came in. He told me we needed to complete
certain formalities. I wanted my cheque. I longed for it. I longed to
stay in the city for a little more time. I thought, "Fuck'em. Where's
my money?" I said, "Sure. What formalities?" He explained to me for
the next ten minutes. I heard impatiently and nodded to everything he
said. Shakespeare confused me. Money makes cowards of our conscience.
He then held some documents in front of my face. I was supposed to
sign them. Now this was unbearably deep. I screamed, "But what about
my cheque? Where is it?"

He pointed to the table. It was there right on top of a couple of
folders. What an ass! And all this while, I burnt my own blood craving
for one glance of it. Cowards must be really blind. As I picked the
pen to sign the documents, I started imagining my life in the next
three minutes. I saw myself signing through them without blinking, I
saw myself grabbing the cheque and then rummaging their office for an
envelope to put the cheque in, spit on the accounts officer's face for
delaying it so much (now that I had it), run out of the office shoving
aside every ass that came in my way, reach the middle of road, raise
my hands and scream out loud.

I pick the pen to sign the documents. I carefully look through and
read each document. It is a confirmation note from my side about me
receiving the entire payment. I read each word carefully. I sign each
page carefully. The accounts guy hands over my cheque. I look around
for a blank envelope. He finds one. I put the cheque into it, stare at
him for a moment and smile. I thank him and leave the office. As I
come out, I see the nearest chaiwala and feel happy. I keep thinking
about opening a new account with a bank. (Yeah, they seized my earlier
account for having defaulted on a credit card payment.)

I look at the chaiwala and take a sip. I look at people around me.
Nothing's changed for them. No one is jubilant. No one is
over-expressive. I wonder what they could be thinking about. Making
money? And if so, about the work they need to do to earn it? Well,
maybe! Work! What about mine? There's so much remaining. I have
already wasted the day. I curse myself for being a procrastinator. My
account now has thirty six thousand rupees.

Evicted

"Go to hell"
I shouted at her,
"And dont come back"
She stood watching
With helpless eyes
I slammed the bedroom door
And went out for a drink.

On my return
The tiny living room
Was cluttered -
Books, laptop, cigarettes, cds,
'That's my stuff'

I rushed to the bedroom
The door was locked from inside
It now read,
HELL!

Trapped In Her

He was a playful child
He played a lot
Whenever he felt like playing,
He opened the gates
And ran into the field.
He played a lot -
Alone or with somebody
Until he met her.

They both started playing together
He shared his toys with her
And she hers.
They continued to play on the field
Until the sun was too high
They thought,
Its better they go in and play.
Since then,
They played under the roof
Lots of games
Most of which she won.
He loved to watch her win
And hated his loss
Nonetheless, he enjoyed!
One day she had to go
She took all the toys
(his too)
And ran out
He ran behind her
And found the gate locked.
In the far distance
She stood
Brandishing the key!

He had lost all games that day
To her
Along with her!

The Writer

I write, I say
Thats all?, they ask
I nod
I feel proud
Of putting up a thinker's image
They turn away
And start talking
To my friend!

Gully Cricket

That day
he cried
cuz he didnt want to go
beyond the wall
and bring back the ball

They broke the wall today.
He cried...
He had his stumps carved on it!

The others play
over stumps made of broken brick pieces
and cry
over virtual wickets that fall on them

He doesnt cry anymore
He neither bats nor bowls

He only keeps wickets
to save the ball
from going behind!

DISILLUSIONED

When the clouds and thunder shift
To a side which is lit
And when you see the gleam
Of the shimmering clouds
With naked eyes
You forget for a moment
That you may be blinded
For a lifetime!

Aah...Why did I show this to you?

Randomness
Excites
Linear
Individuals.
Individualistic
Linearity
Embarasses
Randomisers.

Play
Game
Win/Lose.
Mindfucking
Games
Play
Winners/Losers.

Losers
Exhibit
Commonness.
Commonness
Sucks.
Suckers
Lose.

Losers
Fuck
Magnanimity,
Brightness,
Happy-endings,
Women,
Lives.

Losers
Win
Alone.

Losers
Drink
Alone.

Drinkers
Win.
Rather,
Drunkards
Win.

Losers
Never.

Suck, Lose, Drink, Fuck - Formula To Win!

From where I came

Once I told my mother
She didnt bring us up well
She said
She cried...

Once I told my father
He didnt bring us up well
He said
Fuck off...

Once I told my brother
We werent brought up well
He said
He cried
Then said who cares
And then said fuck off...

I went back
To where I did not come from
I did not cry
But I really cared whether I was brought up well
So I couldnt say fuck off
And I didnt say...

And from where I was
I could see all of us
My mother was crying
When my father said fuck off
And I was telling my brother
To not care about them
When he turned to me.

I saw him crying
And then I saw
My father crying
When my mother said fuck off
Because he had said
That she didnt bring us up well

My brother asked my mother
Why did she say that
And she said
Because my father said that to her
And saying so
She started crying

My brother turned to me
Where I was sitting alone, watching
And said
See?
And I said
Who cares?
And he said
Then fuck off...

And I did!